Changed faces

Yesterday, I was looking at the people on comms in our corp channel.

Familiar faces. Some of them I have known since I first joined. Others are newer, joined after me. I remember people who are gone. We are not the same group of people as we were three and half years ago.

I've never worked for a non-clan corporation for a longer period of time before Gradient. It feels like people change so quickly. Is that just an illusion?

Lacking updates

I have been busy with things, and not felt much like writing here lately.

I still intend to keep updating sometimes. Right now, other things just seem more important. Or easier to do.

Once an error

Once an error
Twice a fool
Thrice a habit

Vacation plans

To everybody who has been commenting about it:

Yes, I have been bit busy lately.

And yes, I do intend to have a vacation for a couple of weeks soon. I just want to get a few things in order first.

Alive, busy

I'm alive, just busy lately. It is good to have work one enjoys.

Assumptions about people

It can be too easy to assume other people are like me, just because we share some characteristics. Assume they essentially think and feel like I do, different only in small details.

It isn't true. They can be, and really are different.

Sometimes, this knowledge hits home, and makes me feel very small.

CAOD, Providence mess

From CAOD, one view of the Providence mess. Noir are giving (selling?) their space to CVA.

A failcascade has been called; alliances cutting losses and leaving the patchwork quilt that is Providence. We'll see how it goes, and who wants that place.

IGS, D'K and GW

Damu'Khonde has announced they are coming home, specifically to Great Wildlands.

Supposedly they did not want Providence anyway.

IGS, Blood raiders and bullying

Some pilots from Blood Inquisition are speaking against bullying on the IGS.

Considering their corporation is aligned with Blood raiders, I am inclined to think this is likely a troll, a scam, or worse.

IGS, Entertainment abroad ship

On IGS, there was a question about possible entertainment for Minmatar passengers.

The thread did not start particularly well, but as the thread starter did not seem too happy about the trolling I decided to try to be helpful nevertheless:

How about dancing?

In addition to modest amount of space and sound system, you'll need music recordings and possibly instructional holos depending on whether your passengers share a dance tradition. Such can be easily bought in the Republic, and downloaded from well-stocked entertainment and ethnic stores in other civilized space.

If your ship has good facilities for physical exercise, different sports, games and martial arts are also pretty popular in the area of Matar I come from.

Sanshas, suicide pills

I was in Hek yesterday, shooting Sansha battleships and a carrier.
In recent news.

Not good thoughts, tonight.

Psychologists and capsuleers

This came up on a comm channel. I decided to post because a rookie pilot seemed self-concious about it.

Yes, I am seeing a shrink. I have regular appointments.

Consider the line of work capsuleers are engaged in. Consider the responsibility we have. Seeing a therapist to help you keep perspective is a perfectly normal, healthy and responsible thing to do. Staying sane is part of the job.

Bombing art

MPT got bombed. I was looking forward to the play.

At least there are no people dead this time.

On the nature of willpower

What is willpower like?

Is it like candy, something to hoard and gone once consumed? Or is it like a muscle, growing stronger in use?

Capsuleers and corpses

Many capsuleers seem to have a fascination with corpses.

They collect corpses. Friendly, hostile or unknown; it does not seem to matter.

They keep their prizes in the freezer and compare their collections of deceased human flesh like one might compare collections of paperbooks or holoreels.

I find it creepy. Extremely creepy.

What kind of person gets satisfaction out of owning the remains of dead people? Dead friends?

Remaking choices?

At one point of time, we made the choice to become capsuleers. I suspect few of us knew what we were getting into, at the time. I certainly did not.

If you could remake the choice of whether you want to become a capsuleer, knowing what you know now, would you still choose the same way?

Providence, PL and D'K

In Providence, PL are playing cat and mouse with D'K. It is a propaganda game. They want to cause division in the D'K ranks.

If Damu'Khonde loses, will they come home? Considering they abandoned their kin for fighting over nullsec, what would happen? Would that be a good thing for us or not?

Appreciating people

Sometimes, it can be too easy to forget to appreciate the people around you, taking them for granted. I have the honor and joy of knowing many exceptional individuals. Honorable, intelligent, generous, capable.

I have been given much.

Meaningful and enjoyable?

I have found having your life to be meaningful and having it be enjoyable can be two different things. Sometimes, it is possible to have both.

What makes life meaningful for you?

No road home

Tonight, I could not sleep.

Some time ago, in a discussion, somebody mentioned that if the Republic survives the coming war, some - perhaps many - of us might not be welcome home anymore.

What we do now might be necessary for the survival and wellbeing of our kin. Or at least we would like to think so.

However, there are things civilized societies need to condemn, in order to stay civilized.

There might be no road home. No hero's welcome. We might be war criminals, a liability, or worse.

Am I being odd, if I find that thought comforting?

On blowing up

Carelessness kills.

The feeling of losing a ship is never pleasant. Yet, there is something liberating in knowing it is just me and my wallet getting hurt when I screw up.

"I already have a boyfriend"

Some girls, especially ones from patriarchal clans seem to use "I already have a boyfriend" as an explanation of why they are not interested in a guy.

Sometimes, it means literally that: They might be interested if they were single, but since they already have a boyfriend switching would be too much bother.

And sometimes, it is just a convenient excuse, a way to avoid having to say "no" to a man you're not interested in.

Is using it in the last way lazy and dishonest, or is it a nice way of avoiding awkward confrontations by a white lie you know the other party is likely to swallow? Do men feel insulted if they are used as an excuse that way?

Marriages and divorces

Sometimes, marriages do not work out.

I wonder how the clanless manage divorces, with no proper marriage contract and no clan to look after their interests. With difficulty, I imagine.

Not that having a contract makes the situation easy, either.

Moral relativity and justifications

There are people who believe morality is relative, that there is no absolute right and wrong.

I find using such arguments to be weird when one is choosing the right thing to do. Especially in the context of justifying actions they or others should take.

If all morality is relative, and so all viewpoints are objectively equally valid, what is wrong with simply just using yours?

Terrorists and tradeoffs

From IGS: Press release about Du'uma Fiisi re-education program survivality rates.

Where is the line between terrorists and traitors? Does one measure success by results - lives gained and lives lost? By objectives? By intentions?

If Du'uma Fiisi had not done what they did, 650 000 less of our kin would be free.
If Du'uma Fiisi had not done what they did, 350 000 less of our kin would be dead.

Will those people who think it is better to die free than live a slave consider that a good exchange?

When do you strike?

There are several schools of thought in regard to when you should strike at an enemy.

For some, the greatest honour is won by beating an enemy when he is at his strongest, as it demonstrates the greatest strength and skill.

For some others, the greatest honour comes from striking him when he is weak, so victory comes swiftly and the struggle causes least harm to the ones you love.

Betrayal in Ushra'Khan

IGS press release: Ushra'Khan has been betrayed too. A traitor disbanded the alliance by removing the corporations out of it.

The news about U'K hit me less than the news about Strix. Partly because I believe U'K will recover and overcome.

Betrayal in Strix

IGS press release: Strix CEO confirmed dead.

Mr Gessanier a Caldari spy? I do not know what to believe.

IGS, Strix disbanding

Post to IGS:

I was very sorry to hear of this. Strix was the first Federation loyalist corporation I heard of years ago of as a new pilot, and it is sad to see it gone.

Good luck to all former Strix pilots.

Strix was for years one of the foremost Federation loyalist corporations. They were strong and true. I will remember.

Freedom

Freedom has many edges and can cut many ways. Sometimes, it cuts you.

Life continues

After every night comes morning, and a new day.

Life continues. You face what needs to be faced, fight what needs to be fought, build what needs to be built.

In space, the sun does not rise, the seasons do not turn. Is that why this simple truth can be so difficult to remember?

Drinking while moody

About one and a half years ago, I decided to not get drunk when I'm feeling out of sorts, as little good seemed to come out of it. The resolution lasted until yesterday.

So far, breaking it has not seemed like a good idea.

Home is a feeling

My clan holds home is not a place, or even people who inhabit it. Homemaking ceremony is one we do several times in our lives.

Home is a feeling. A sense of identity. A connection to our ancestors. The value of the ceremony is in making us remember, renewing the bond so we do not forget them, and they do not forget us.

Like Water

There are poems for warriors, and poems for builders.
This is one from my clan:

We are strong like water is strong.
Try to contain us, and we will find a new path.
Try to freeze us, and we will burst all bounds.
Try to burn us, and we fall back everywhere like rain.

I am strong like water is strong. I will find a new path.

Tabloids, Federation Day

Regarding The Federation Star:

I did not try to enter the Mr Federation contest.
I am not getting gender correction done.

Hi to whoever sent a copy to Auntie Bea.

Unwanted gifts

Sometimes, people do not want what you have to give.

They say time heals all wounds. Over time you can stop caring, find new people, new things. Is stepping back, clean break for the best?

Veto PR department

The Veto PR department is good. Very good.

Choosing the company you keep

You are born to your clan. But your friends you can choose.

Sometimes, it is not too pleasant to think too closely about that.

IGS, The Planetary Development Treaty

On IGS:

A change like this is likely to have several effects.

One of them is potential for more interdependence. Interdependence of planetary and space economies, but also of the capsuleer and non-capsuleer populations. Indirectly, such interdependence raises the stakes of a total war between the four nations.

Incidentally, the treaty also makes CONCORD more powerful, and more difficult to replace.

Putting trust in mercenaries

Something to remember in regard to mercenaries: They have left their home and kin in order to fight for money.

And the thing with money is that there is always somebody who has more than you do.

Camped in by paperwork

I made a joke yesterday that paperwork is much better at camping than mercs.

Unfortunately, in my case it is true.

Living in a glass box

Some days ago I got the advice that it is good to assume everything I say will eventually become public.

What a truly frightening way to live a life.

I'd feel constricted to death without friends. Without emotional intimacy and the freedom of saying what I think without worrying if it is proper. Never letting out any steam. Having to try to be perfect all the time.

I suppose the above means my career choice skills are not terribly convincing. At least I'm not a diplomat or a PR person.

IGS, about religion

Post to IGS:

There is no single Matari religion. Clans have their own ways.

In my clan, we believe in the existence of gods, but we do not worship them or follow their commands. We honor our ancestors, with whom we share body and spirit. We understand virtues, honor and duty, and assert that there is a difference between right and wrong.

Not really in reply to Archbishop, more to educate others who may read it.

As if a religion should necessarily be about gods or afterlife, or that the existence of a god necessitates following her will.

The price of anger is embarrassment

My clan has a saying: "The price of anger is embarrassment".

What it refers to is that in my clan a public insult is seen to require a public apology. The thinking in our clan is that the custom sets the social norm of acceptable behaviour.

If the insult or crime happens in public, but chastisement and consequences are private, people who are not participants in the events will see the insult and not the amends. This may lead to the conclusion there have been no amends, that such behaviour is all right - even if that is not true.

Incidentally, the custom also acts as something of a deterrent to hotheads, such as yours truly. Being forced to publicly admit you're wrong can sting, even if you actually are wrong.

Naivete

I seem to have lots of it.

Podding? Cruelty?

I can't fathom why some capsuleers view podding as somehow more cruel than just shooting the ship down. As something "nice" people do not do.

If I'm willing to to shoot the capsuleer's ship and kill his crew just because they happened to sign an employment contract with him, why would I think killing the capsuleer himself would be too harsh?

Non-capsuleer implants

For many people, capsuleer implants are the first ones they get.

I got my first child-model implants in my teens, after proper clan rites. Memory augmentation, math routines, file storage and such basic school-help stuff.

A riddle

A riddle from my childhood:

More precious than gold,
lighter than thought.
Can be sold but not bought,
and broken but not mended.

Shot by Amarr, captured by Sansha

Following some of the recent Sansha attacks there was a discussion on the alliance channel whether it would be better for the Amarr to be shot by us or be captured by the Sansha.

And, after a while wheter we would prefer to be shot by Amarr or captured by Sansha.

I would prefer to be shot. Unpleasant things are better over quickly. Besides, I cannot dishonor my clan if I'm dead.

The Respectable Club

Yesterday I briefly considered founding The Respectable Club.

A peer support group for people who think being evil is not cool, and that trying to mimic the appearances and mannerisms of evil people in order to appear evil is not cool either.

Decoy Sansha attacks

Sansha have been attacking systems lately. I have difficulty taking the attacks at face value.

An organization famous for their advanced mind control and able to somehow affect wormholes announces their intentions and appears to co-ordinate the attacks on local channel?

Some suggest the Sansha are smacking. Others, that they are stupid.

It seems to me there might be something the Sansha want more than success of these operations.

IGS, about soul

Post to IGS:

My clan believes spirit or soul is our personal part of the spirit of our kin, stored in the unity of flesh and mind.

This unity is forever lost when one is emergency cloned or clone jumps. After that what remains is a copy with the belief it is the original.

The spiritual part of kinship cannot survive serialization to data. The physical part of the kinship is lost when one moves to borrowed flesh. And even if both persisted, separating one from another breaks the whole.

Does soullessness make somebody a monster? Not necessarily. Ethics and morals are also a concious choice. Being able to do evil does not make such deeds a necessity, just like being able to do good does not force one to goodness.

I have not been in the habit of posting to IGS before. I wonder if participating in such conversation was particularly smart.

Wanting enemies instead of friends

Many capsuleers and capsuleer organizations have a curious relationship with hate as an emotion. They seem to be looking for excuses to dislike people, corporations, organizations. To declare their antagonism, and act on it.

From the outside I am tempted to conclude they enjoy having enemies more than having friends and allies.

Talking stronger

Some people make communication an ego contest.

They seem to think using stronger and more antagonizing language makes them seem more clever or the listeners more likely to agree and understand.

In my opinion neither is true.

Procrastination

I find I quite enjoy organizing stuff and cleaning up hangars.

Especially when there are other things I maybe should be doing.

Inspiring loyalty

Elsebeth Rhiannon talks about the preciousness of trust and loyalty in her blog.

As cliche as it sounds, I believe in the power of shared values, goals and vision to inspire such loyalty in capsuleers, to make people want to contribute and belong, to foster a sense of togetherness.

There are people who think companionship, friendship and community is enough by themselves.

I believe the people who commit to goals for friendship and community only are the ones whose motivation falters when they meet new, more tolerant, prestigious or charismatic friends.

Freedom and romantic relationships

Sometimes Gallente argue having romantic relationships subject to clan approval limits freedom.

In theory, maybe, for some definitions of freedom. In practice - why would I want to have a serious romantic relationship with somebody my kin do not approve of? There is usually a good reason for such disapproval.

I certainly hope my relatives would try to stop me if I had a strike of idiocy and wanted to get seriously involved with a blooder or something.

Dead and dead-er

A pilot dies when they are podded. A pilot dies when they expire stationside.

Most ordinary people think being alive or dead is a binary thing. A person is either one or the other.

For capsuleers, permanence makes a dead person dead-er.

Point-range and light tackling

Point-range is almost as important for light tackling as good scan resolution for quick locking speed, because often where you or the target lands on the grid matters a lot.

The small ships can often react, align and escape in the time it takes for you to align and start burning towards them to get in range. And the big ships you should catch anyway.

Pride goes before fall

Yes. What a mortifying thought. I'm so happy I'm not a diplomat or a PR person.

Capsuleering certainly does its best to teach me humility. I try to console myself by claiming it is this "growing up" thing I keep hearing about.

The Lonely Pilot Syndrome

Sometimes, in bars and other places I run into pilots who like to talk to me. They talk, and suddenly I find myself the recipient of their life story and personal secrets.

I have wondered why they do that.

I have asked a few pilots who have convoed me out of the blue, and they claimed they picked me because I just have a kind face.

I personally find it hard to believe I'm somehow uniquely easy to talk to, so I've started to jokingly call the phenomenon "The Lonely Pilot Syndrome".

Some of them have been good and entertaining company, so inability to make any friends does not really sound like a plausible explanation. Maybe they are so desperate for the company and understanding of other pilots?

The unsettling question is, will I ever become that lonely?

Industry and innocents in space

Sometimes, I hear opinions to the effect of not attacking innocent industrialists.

I suppose innocence as a concept is a relative thing. Where I come from, arms manufacturers and dealers are hardly considered innocent.

Hate as definition of identity

I often encounter our people saying we should avoid becoming what we hate, when they argue against some practice of our enemies (particularly the Amarr).

Even if I might agree with the idea argued for, I dislike that reason support it.

Why should we care what our enemies are like for the purposes of defining what we are like? We should strive to have an identity of our own, instead of being not-them.

Pashanai and U'K

Pashanai Ministry of War station got bombed.

On IGS, among the other discussion, U'K pilots are already flashing the possibility of offering 1 isk for Shakor's head because he denounced the attack.

The same bounty as they had for Midular.

I guess supporting somebody does not agree with that bunch much.

News from Providence

I am buried in paperwork and listen to the news trickle in from Providence. A funny region, one that so many want to attack but so few to keep.

I'm glad I'm not in politics.

Hateful see offense where none is meant

Real courtesy is not about turns of phrase.

It is about refraining from splitting hairs, about making a honest effort to try to see the meaning and thoughts behind the words. About giving people the benefit of doubt, instead of being too quick to assume the worst.

Fitting webs

Some people think battleships do not need to fit webs. Such people often reason that some other pilot can do the webbing. Maybe some other battleship, maybe a tackler, and they can use the medslot for something else.

This kind of thinking in my opinion has two problems.

First, because of tracking, short range turret battleships generally like having webs. The job of battleships is to deal damage, and the web is there partly to ensure you get to deal a larger portion of your theoretical DPS in practice. It is a medslot damage module.

And secondly, because if everybody relies on somebody else to bring the webs, not enough people will. And in the tactical situations EM usually fights in, webs are almost always necessary.

Scramblers do some of the same job nowadays, by disabling MWD.

How to work for the enemy?

A theoretical question:

In the utterly theoretical situation that a capsuleer would simply have no other alternatives except to work for hostile agents, what would be the way to do so and cause the least harm?

I am at the moment leaning towards only accepting combat missions, only against other hostile factions, and only in our own home space.

Given the choices, making the hostile faction pay you to shoot pirates in the Republic sounds like the least of evils.

Dina Arvid

I was going thorough some of my music records today.

I used to listen to Dina Arvid as a teenager, and until couple of years ago. Her music is emotional and pretty moody, in that slightly pretentious way that often appeals to teenagers.

I found some of her music today by chance, when I was sorting thorough stuff.

I walk in the corridors of my life,
Looking for you, sometimes you're there.
I grin and bear it, grin and bear it,
I am the girlfriend and not the wife.

(Dina Arvid, "Girlfriend")

Good times.

Personal and communal responsibility

Matari and non-Matari can have a different sense of honor and responsibility.

Some non-Matari (especially Gallente individualists) want to be considered as individuals first, and members of their reference groups (clans, corporations, social circles) second - if at all.

They do not generally consider it fair or just to be judged for the misdeeds of their relatives or friends, and do not want to feel responsible for consequences of actions that are not their own.

From the perspective of communal responsibility such views are odd. Who we are associated with defines a large part of who we are. Inaction counts as action.

"It was not me, he did it." Yet, he was your kin, should you not have prevented him?

"I did not know what he was doing." Yet, if he was indeed your close friend, should you not have known?

Perhaps, if he indeed was your kin or friend, he should have thought of you before doing what he did.

24

I am 24 now.

I feel young and old at the same time. I remember the time when mid-twenties people seemed very old to me, feels like it was yesterday.

I'm not ready to be old. Old people are supposed to be wise and settled and stuff. Years have passed, and I'm still just me.

Changes and capsuleering

In a conversation last night I said that capsuleering changes a person. Yet, we make those changes ourselves, by the choices we make and things we do every day.

It is perhaps the curse of the pod that it gives us power over so many people it becomes impossible to personally know them all. Forcing us to make numbers and abstractions out of living and breathing human beings.

I have changed since I became a capsuleer. I am not as nice as I once was.

Do other capsuleers miss the person they used to be?

Words and feelings

Lately I've started to wonder if words are the right tool for describing and considering feelings.

Words are a tool of the intellect, and language a structure built to enable thought. Creating understanding and insight with words requires precision of expression and concepts.

However, with feelings the expressions often seem to be missing. There are no scales for quantitative comparison, no names and categories for qualitative judgements, the interdependencies and causalities cannot be properly described.

If words were well suited for describing feelings, would the problem of trying to figure out what you feel exist at all?

If words were well suited for describing feelings, would not human lives be fundamentally different?

Measuring feelings

How can one define victory conditions for friendships?

Yet, there is a point where winning is no longer possible, and the objective changes to salvaging what you can. Instead of playing to win you play to not lose.

Human feelings are not a thing one can easily measure.

For my business life, I have learned to set goals based on what I want, and what I think I can get. Is making the difference ever useful with feelings, except to make me discontent with my lot?

I would not be where I am now, had I been able to see a half empty glass as half full.

Shooting ships and people

After I wrote the post about how people treat reds, my friend Arkady Sadik commented he thought most capsuleers perceive themselves as not shooting people in space, but instead shooting ships or at most the capsuleer pilot of the ship. He thought it was a psychic self-defense mechanism, to help people live with their image of themselves.

I am inclined to agree, based on my own perceptions.

However, this does beg a rather interesting question in regard to morality.

Which pilot is less evil - the one who deceives himself in order to continue killing people, or the one who is concious of his deeds and does them regardless? And which one is the more dangerous?

Combat escorts to miners

I've noticed fresh combat pilots often are very eager to play combat escort to miners in high sec.

Almost always the best escort ship the miners can ask such a pilot to come in is a hauler. (Orcas are usually out of reach of any such pilot, and logistics ships are useful only if suicide attacks against Hulks is the current rage around the mining fields - and noticeable portion of the miners have Hulks.)

A combat escort ship around miners signals to can flippers: "Come here, there is an interesting fight to be got if you poke us right! Just fit your ships against the escort and come flip the can!"

A hauler, on the other hand, keeps the can empty. The signal is "Go away, nothing but boredom and mining laser show to be had here. No can to flip."

Victory is defined by you getting what you want (ore) and the opposition not getting what they want (fights). They might smack on local. No worries. Everybody whose opinion you care about knows that is what losers do.

Reds inside and outside the pod

Some capsuleers seem to have a curious dichotomy about how to treat reds inside and outside the pod.

They are happy to shoot reds in space; pirates, angels, sanshas. Even tell you they think it's fun. Curiously, the same people will consider you a closed-minded stuffy prig for showing a cold shoulder to a pirate or sansha capsuleer met at a bar.

I wonder why is that? Do they think capsuleers are so special? Is it the difference of just knowing it is a person inside the red ship blip and being actually able to see the person?

Testing, testing...

I hear the first post of a blog is supposed to be a stupid one. This is it.