Looking into darkness

I believe you cannot look into the darkness without the darkness looking back into you.

I see this as part of how human contact works, not a weakness in any specific person or a flaw in their integrity.

The very act of seeking to understand and emphatize with an enemy's views is an act of mentally trying on their justifications. There is little harm of doing it once and then rejecting it.

However, making a mental habit of thinking of an enemy as a nice guy will slowly over time affect what one considers to be characteristics of nice guys, subtly changing value sets and meanings given to words.

"I already have a boyfriend"

Some girls, especially ones from patriarchal clans seem to use "I already have a boyfriend" as an explanation of why they are not interested in a guy.

Sometimes, it means literally that: They might be interested if they were single, but since they already have a boyfriend switching would be too much bother.

And sometimes, it is just a convenient excuse, a way to avoid having to say "no" to a man you're not interested in.

Is using it in the last way lazy and dishonest, or is it a nice way of avoiding awkward confrontations by a white lie you know the other party is likely to swallow? Do men feel insulted if they are used as an excuse that way?

Living in a glass box

Some days ago I got the advice that it is good to assume everything I say will eventually become public.

What a truly frightening way to live a life.

I'd feel constricted to death without friends. Without emotional intimacy and the freedom of saying what I think without worrying if it is proper. Never letting out any steam. Having to try to be perfect all the time.

I suppose the above means my career choice skills are not terribly convincing. At least I'm not a diplomat or a PR person.

The price of anger is embarrassment

My clan has a saying: "The price of anger is embarrassment".

What it refers to is that in my clan a public insult is seen to require a public apology. The thinking in our clan is that the custom sets the social norm of acceptable behaviour.

If the insult or crime happens in public, but chastisement and consequences are private, people who are not participants in the events will see the insult and not the amends. This may lead to the conclusion there have been no amends, that such behaviour is all right - even if that is not true.

Incidentally, the custom also acts as something of a deterrent to hotheads, such as yours truly. Being forced to publicly admit you're wrong can sting, even if you actually are wrong.

Talking stronger

Some people make communication an ego contest.

They seem to think using stronger and more antagonizing language makes them seem more clever or the listeners more likely to agree and understand.

In my opinion neither is true.

Inspiring loyalty

Elsebeth Rhiannon talks about the preciousness of trust and loyalty in her blog.

As cliche as it sounds, I believe in the power of shared values, goals and vision to inspire such loyalty in capsuleers, to make people want to contribute and belong, to foster a sense of togetherness.

There are people who think companionship, friendship and community is enough by themselves.

I believe the people who commit to goals for friendship and community only are the ones whose motivation falters when they meet new, more tolerant, prestigious or charismatic friends.

Freedom and romantic relationships

Sometimes Gallente argue having romantic relationships subject to clan approval limits freedom.

In theory, maybe, for some definitions of freedom. In practice - why would I want to have a serious romantic relationship with somebody my kin do not approve of? There is usually a good reason for such disapproval.

I certainly hope my relatives would try to stop me if I had a strike of idiocy and wanted to get seriously involved with a blooder or something.

The Lonely Pilot Syndrome

Sometimes, in bars and other places I run into pilots who like to talk to me. They talk, and suddenly I find myself the recipient of their life story and personal secrets.

I have wondered why they do that.

I have asked a few pilots who have convoed me out of the blue, and they claimed they picked me because I just have a kind face.

I personally find it hard to believe I'm somehow uniquely easy to talk to, so I've started to jokingly call the phenomenon "The Lonely Pilot Syndrome".

Some of them have been good and entertaining company, so inability to make any friends does not really sound like a plausible explanation. Maybe they are so desperate for the company and understanding of other pilots?

The unsettling question is, will I ever become that lonely?

Hateful see offense where none is meant

Real courtesy is not about turns of phrase.

It is about refraining from splitting hairs, about making a honest effort to try to see the meaning and thoughts behind the words. About giving people the benefit of doubt, instead of being too quick to assume the worst.

Words and feelings

Lately I've started to wonder if words are the right tool for describing and considering feelings.

Words are a tool of the intellect, and language a structure built to enable thought. Creating understanding and insight with words requires precision of expression and concepts.

However, with feelings the expressions often seem to be missing. There are no scales for quantitative comparison, no names and categories for qualitative judgements, the interdependencies and causalities cannot be properly described.

If words were well suited for describing feelings, would the problem of trying to figure out what you feel exist at all?

If words were well suited for describing feelings, would not human lives be fundamentally different?

Measuring feelings

How can one define victory conditions for friendships?

Yet, there is a point where winning is no longer possible, and the objective changes to salvaging what you can. Instead of playing to win you play to not lose.

Human feelings are not a thing one can easily measure.

For my business life, I have learned to set goals based on what I want, and what I think I can get. Is making the difference ever useful with feelings, except to make me discontent with my lot?

I would not be where I am now, had I been able to see a half empty glass as half full.